some other part of London

Before I start I have to apologise for my spelling mistakes. When depression hits me my mind goes all over the place and Dyslexia becomes a problem.
May be I should post some of my thoughts re Dyslexia and Depression, some other time maybe.
In the meantime I want to suggest the idea about walking into other spaces where walkers don't usually go. Walking is a human activity which appears strange to some people. The car is a second appendage to the body. When we walk we are only doing what nature meant us to do. We walk because we are built to walk.
Walking takes on many different aspects. Some people enjoy walking out into the wild places, some walk in city scape's, some walk across vast deserts and so forth. My attempt at walking with depression leads me into some untouched sites in the Metropolis.Places off the beaten track, but which never the less are home to thousands of people. A mixture of cultures and customs ( are the two inter linked)? Place which where once demeaned to "Suburbia" but have now developed into a vast mish mash of conflicting values and religions.Places walkers dont explore. i will start soon by exploring Edmonton Green in North London.

walking with moon

The clouds rush across the sky, this is good stuff because I cant feel the wind. Maybe something magical is taking place up in the heavens. The night landscape feels comfortable at the moment. I cant help wondering what people all those eons ago felt when thay saw the night. Their night would have been far more powerful than today's gaze. Then people would have seen the whole sky in all its wonderful depth and uniqueness. I feel sad tonite. A nervous,anxious sadness. How much is our world changing? We are living at the end of an epoch All around me people are enjoying the autumn colours of the the night world. Why cant I be part of this crowd? Tonight the present is not a good place to be. change is sometimes to powerful.

changing formations

One important fact concerning walking with depression, something which completely escaped my thinking, depression is exhausting. It drags the person down physically, emotionally and mentally. This really extreme state leaves its scare on the "gaze. The power of depression still mystifies me. A continuous onslaught on the joy. Nothing will be the same again. I'm not talking about self pity. Where memory becomes powerful is in its ability to haunt what in the past may have been, a simple expression of fun, suddenly turns into a raw expression of pain, and indeed sorrow. Memory and depression is a terrirtory I will exlplore again. Like walking, depression turns into so many adventures.

sunday morning

The sky fells thick.One of those gray dull days which always suggest nothing is going on up there in the skies. Of course that's so much wishful thinking. But for walking purposes the idea of confronting the morning is difficult.There's a sense of emotional drift taking place in my mind today. Tensions where there shouldn't be tensions.Motivation to attempt something useful fall flat. Yes that's the feeling "flat".
The super ego isn't trying very hard to lay into me. Must be an ok sign. Never the less have started to develop that guilty sensation and those tense undercurrents which always love to undermine what I want to do.
I have this idea at the moment that the brain is like an uncharted territory. A vast empty mass full with unexplored wanders.Like a magical kingdom with secret wonders,this place is fascinating and dangerous. I find it hard to grasp just how little we really understand about ourselves. How much do we really know about nature? What do we learn and our do we transport our lived experience into a pleasure of co operation.
To walk out on a day like today is to confront that part of the self which doesn't want confrontation at the moment. Think I will go with the flow and simply except the moment and do nothing. Walking is always there.Its a free journey.

early morning walking

The challenge of winter depression is to understand the reasoning behind its attacks on the territory of the mind, it encloses the brain and swallows the soul in a series of violent encounters with the past present and that mystical dream called the future.Night time brings no hope of sleep. Walking is the encounter I need. To understand depression is rediscover the child lost in the past, who imagines a future with out pain but as no understanding of childhood Why? because child is already being over taken by the monster "other".

strooling with depression.

Its odd how emotions dictate the way we thing and cope with the external realities. For the past weeks my nerves have been shattered, tension and anger seem to be reaching some kind of fever pitch on my mind. Truth be told the outside world felt a threatening place to be in. My mind attempted to block out any sense of joy. The streets represented a state of mind. Walking became simply a function to arrive at a destination already preplanned. It wasn't meat to be like this.
The tensions inside my mind never ceased to stop,walking slowed down the inner battles, but not for long. Memories or rather 'emotional' attacks with memories attached battled their way in the that territory called the brain.
Last night I couldn't sleep, I've suffered this problem before when depression pushes me into to much sleep. What happens is the night takes the brain, and the brain responds with an endless reworking of dormant emotion's on which images are imprinted and the fragments of these imprints hover around in a menacing aura which then reproduces another round of imprints. Last night I felt the colour GRAY.It had a body. It developed a life. In the darkness Gray became another part of the interior landscape of terror and it felt real.

srrooling with depression

Early morning and the dark closes in. Darkness and depression and bad combination. Last I attempted my first experiment, walking into the night with depression. An idea. How does the mind cope with the darkness after a hard day doing a job which is completely against everything I hold dear. But what can I do. The country is in the grip of an economic depression. It was a wonderful cold night. Shadows and street lights glittering in the darkness. I was already down and felt extremely exhausted. This wasn't a joyful quest. My legs felt heavy and I couldent focus on anything. Strange how the mind doesent rest. Thoughts simply rush through a the brain. and everything seems blank, stuck in a time warp of mental agony. I wont give up.
This is an experiment its the first night and London is going home. The rush hour is still moving in what ever direction rush hours moves. I cant join the crowd, I'm not part of this mass. It worries me.