so many weeks ago!

Its been so long. I feel, like stranger in my own world. What happened? Depression happened and this time I only have myself to blame. It may sound peculiar to blame one self on depression never the less warning signs. had been brewing for some time. The question is why did I ignore the signs. This is important. For a person who some professes to have an understanding of the illness this lapse in recognising the slow creep of the downward curve is pretty disastrous. But I'm back and hopefully this time I can keep to my deadlines.
Since the attack I haven't felt the inclination to journey out into the world,even though the purpose of this exercise is to explore walking with depression. Something powerful took over the will to explore,even though it could be argued that depression, by its very existence resembles a journey into an other place,another reality, the need to wander out into the night and sense world though the gaze and sensibility of depression was simply to much to bear.The suffering itself was its own experience.
How can the mind drive a person to edge of life? What mysteries force a person to want self destruction over living?